"The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." - Proverbs 16:9
September 19th rolled around like any other day. Except this day was special. This was the day that Brandon, Laef and I were going to leave for Hilton Head beach for three nights. We had plans to stay in a sweet little condo not far from the beach and our close friends were going to come share the fun with us. It was our pre-Bahama vacation. (Our Bahamas trip is in two weeks.) It's been a crazy summer, and so we booked a weekend in Hilton head, I have a wedding in Charleston this weekend, and next weekend we leave for a week-long Bahama vacation without Laef. This has been something that I've been super excited about for some time.
Around 2:00 pm on Thursday, a surprise came to us...a surprise that literally took our breath away. Stunned and overwhelmed is a good adjective to describe it.
So to tell this story right, my period was like 5 days late. Having had this happen before, I was pretty positive that it was all hormones due the excitement of our Hilton Head trip and Bahamas cruise. Last Sunday, I ate some Buca Di Beppo, which made my tummy hurt for a few days, and I actually experienced heartburn, which never happens to me. (Even during my last pregnancy, I never had it.) I lay on the couch for a few days feeling nervous about my period but knowing it was all in my head and that as soon as I took those tests and they came up negative, my period would start.
After a few days of feeling really emotional about it, and having a nervous anxiety feeling in my gut, I ran to Food Lion during Brandon's lunch break on Thursday. We planned to leave at 4 pm, and it was around 2:00 when I rolled back into my parking space and hid my pregnancy tests close to my chest as I walked into my house. I pulled the coupon off the top of the sealed package and as sure as I was that I wasn't pregnant, I stuck the coupons on the fridge for my "NEXT" late scare period. haha.
Brandon said, "Go take it, I'll wait here with Laef." He stood outside the door and held Laef while I peed on my stick and watched as the lines became clear. I kept saying in my head, "no.... no... No.... NO!" I walked out of the bathroom, handed the stick to Brandon and walked down the hall, stunned, confused, asking "why." It was just hours before that I stood on my scale and weighed in at my pre-pregnancy weight. "Oh, God... no... no... no..."
Brandon just stood there, stunned. Laef immediately began to throw fits and tantrums...for hours. All weekend he was a pill. At one point I sat down on the floor to change Laef's diaper and put my head in my hands and sobbed.
For two hours, I walked around like a zombie, trying to pack, trying to handle Laef who was being the worst he could possibly be, and at the worst time considering the news I had gotten.
Our ride to Hilton Head started with me driving for the first two hours, two hours in which I put on my head phones and listened to songs that have always stilled my heart when it's been in turmoil--Bethel Music, Sara Groves, Laura Woodley--sobbing so hard, trying to keep my eyes on the road. All the questions were flooding through my mind....my weddings next year...TWO of them the week I a calculate that I'm due. WHY? The frustration of living in a two-bedroom condo with both Brandon and I working from home. It just isn't going to work. I won't have sanity. I won't have a job. I won't be able to do this. All the selfishness of only wanting to love Laef right now. And, Oh, Jesus, please don't let it be a girl, cause I'm terrified of girls. So scared of pink and princess. Not ready for a non-stop talker on my hands. And being pregnant while chasing Laef for 9 months...and possibly being sick. What about my amazing cruise that I'm going on in two weeks? Oh my goodness.... (Tears, and deep sobs, while Brandon tried to sit on his laptop finishing out his workday in the car.)
We chatted a little on the way, still overwhelmed. Some moments, we just sat there in silence. We were a little happy that we weren't the ones that got to decide when I would get pregnant again...that it had been decided for us.
About three weeks ago, I decided I wanted to wait until the end of next year to get pregnant so that we could save like crazy people for a home, and I could spend time with just Laef. I didn't want to be a mom to two kids. Seemed like too much for me to handle. Some big things are happening with my business one week from Thursday, and I was hoping for so much to happen for my business next year. (Which it still totally can.)
Up to this point in Brandon's and my marriage, we have planned everything. We have saved, we have worked, we have prayed and we have hoped. We got owned Thursday by life. We got knocked off our feet. I, myself, have always felt it to be a little irresponsible to not at least try to plan life. It's been extremely hard for me to swallow my pride in this area. But I know that it's all okay. I actually said I didn't want to be pregnant too much in my 30s, and I'm a few years from it still.
We walked into Hilton Head's condo to see my best friend, her husband, and their new adopted gorgeous baby smiling at us and excited to see us. I felt like a train had run over me and then kicked me. All day, so many emotions, so many tears. I felt selfish...selfish for saying, "It's not the time I would have picked," when I have so many friends who would die to get pregnant right now.
Finally, we sat down and talked about our day and what we did during the week and then I just outright said... "Sharon, I'm pregnant." Her mouth dropped to the ground. Nervous laughs filled the room.
Thank goodness I had a few days to process all the positive and negative emotions I felt with my best friends by my side.
At one point, I cried so hard while standing in the water at the beach that I was sure the whole world could hear me. I talked to the Lord about all the fears that I have. Even though I've done this once already, it doesn't mean that I don't still fear those same things this second time around. Heck, being a mom is something I was slowly coaxed into, but the situations and circumstances made my hear soft...made me want to become a mom. I don't do well hanging out with moms and their 500 babies. I'm not that mom that loves kids so much I can hardly handle it. I enjoy a handful of kids and babies that are my close friends' children. I love my son so much. I love being his mom.
Having Laef and watching the Lord's faithfulness to my soul is the only thing I have to hold onto. I don't have any other option. I need him. I need his help.
Well... fast forward to our journey home. It was sweet. Brandon and I had sweet conversations, and chatted about names. We have overcome the surprise and we are now excited that our babies will be so close in age, and I'll have one more pregnancy over and done with.
We told our parents and grandparents, and I called all my girlfriends and giggled on the phone with them. It is sweet now to us. We're having to work out a lot of details and figure out things quicker than we had planned. The Lord is going to be faithful to us. He always is. And my emotions are super stable. (Minus the fact that I cried in the car listening to Katy Perry's "Roar" song.)
So yes, that's the story of our great surprise. And so in two years, our family grows from two to four. It all started on our last cruise, and it continues weeks before the the next one.
I do have the fear of posting this to soon, and something happening to Baby Fancher. But the only thing I can do is put that fear in the Lords hands, hoping He'll take care of my sweet little Fancher.
I named this blog "Our Paper Boats" because I wanted it to be a small journal of all my children's growth and development, along with my struggles and victories. They are my paper boats, and they will one day sail through this thing called life. I'm glad I titled it "Our Paper BoatS" and not "My Paper Boat." ;D That's a sweet thought to me.
Life is a blink, and I have to take in every moment of it.
Our little spring flower is due in May (as far as we know at this point.) We'll go to the doctor next week. I'm about 5-6 weeks along.
So yes, I'm a mom of two. Woah!