Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Etching A Mark In My Memory.

"Taking time to write and journal is like etching a mark in your memory. It's like carving on the family tree, and it can be compared to solidifying the running water of time." - Me. Journal entry 1.14.14.

Sitting down to write almost feels like I'm standing in the middle of a waterfall, every drop of water that hits me is a story, a thought, a failure, a beautiful moment, a terrifying moment, a tear or ten, an accomplishment, a dream come true, a victory, a battle, a magical moment, an overwhelming encounter, a fear, a prayer, a day full of perfection, a day full of pure terror... etc. I have had so much that has happen the last three months that I don't have a clue where to start. I've missed posting Atlas' 5, 6 and now 7 month photos. Mostly because somehow I lost all of Atlas' 5 month photos except for maybe two and a few iPhone photos. And I haven't had a chance to even take any of Atlas at seven months. I guess it's true when you have the second child, you wish so badly that you could invest half the amount of energy you did into the first one. I now understand why they sell baby food at the store. With Laef I didn't have a clue why people wouldn't just make their own. I discovered the answer to that judgmental question. TIME. Goodness.

When winter hits I feel as if the earth may crumble. It feels like winter lasts forever.  I don't like being stuck in my house. I don't like strapping kids with giant coats on into tiny seat belts while the cold rain soaks my back.  I like blue skies, and golden sunlight. I like the green woods behind my house, and the way my porch ceiling fan knows exactly how to blow its breeze at me. I like 75 degrees. I like leaving my house without freezing my butt off or sweating my butt off while trying to get out of the door with ten layers on. ah!! 

Anyways, so where to begin. I don't know if I can really back track. I might just post an insane amount of photos and let you do the judging of it all. Or I may post a few blogs and let you decide which you feel like taking the time to read. 

These last three months I've experienced so many different emotions. My boys are growing beautifully, yet I've been so busy with them and photography that I've lost the joy at times of living in the moment. I've experienced dread on certain days, wishing for normal. Wishing to sleep past 6:30. Wishing to eat breakfast before 9:30 or 10.

Me and Brandon took a magical trip to AZ for a wedding beginning of November. We loved every second of our time there, away from our boys. We returned to more work, taking care of the boys, traveling to KC, Christmas shopping. I really don't know where November went. I can sorta comprehend a little bit of it, but it felt like a little breeze that blew across my cheek. 

I've struggled so much. I've had really rough days, and really incredible days. But more on the rough side. I've set my expectations to high in getting things done, and therefore found myself overwhelmed and edgy toward my kids. sigh. I've hit probably the lowest point of being a mom in my 2.5 years of parenting. There were days where the magic of being a mom was nowhere to be found, and I was simply there, living, breathing, and holding on for dear life. I've been trying to lean into the Lords love and find his grace. 

Last night I asked the Lord before bed if I should pick up any of my books and read them. (I don't read much, and I don't really enjoy it.) I wanted the Lord to encourage me before bed. I picked up my journal. My journal of seven years. Its just a simple notebook, with the most horrific scribble scrabble writing that would make most humans have a seizure if they tried to decode it. It is not beautiful to look at, it's not an art piece of hand crafted beauty, but it is the most beautiful thing I own besides my family. It's this glorious journey of my heart. It holds the answers and questions of all the seasons that I've walked through the last seven years. I started it's pages in a coffee shop in Kansas City seven years ago. I was 21, and full of myself quite honestly. Cared so much what the world thought of me, and could only dream of being noticed in the worship leading world. *rolls eyes.* 
When I read through my journals I find the Lords faithfulness written on every page. He is faithful to me in the middle of all my fears, all my victories, and all my struggles. And most certainly through all my bad mom days. He has gracefully led me through valleys, and deserts. I look back and I laugh and cry at the silly things I was afraid of. How small and hilarious they are now that I look back, yet they were so valuable to the Lord, and he had and has hand crafted every small season. Even the seasons where my own heart condemns me. He is and was so much greater then my heart and whacked out post baby hormones.  It is so beautiful to be able to read your heart and to understand that person writing. I know that girl, because I think like that girl, I am her. And her story is not glamorous by any means, but it's sealed with a seal of love. My prayer through almost every entry. "Tell me, you whom my soul loves, where and how will you feed me in this season of my life. Kids or no kids, job or no job, winter or spring, plenty or little, favorite food or not my favorite food, rough relationships or amazing relationships, lonely or loved. How are you, Father, going to find me, and tend to my human weak heart. You are a safe place for my soul to rest in." This coats almost every page of my journal. It's all I have left to pray at the end of the day.

So here is baby Atlas 5+ months and Laef at age 2. These are mostly a few iphone photos. I'm going to post another blog with Christmas photos soon. ;)

Happy New Year!

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Falling Forward.

“My baby is five. She falls asleep in my arms . . . . Her breath is warm on my face, all that is alive and warm and breathing inside of her now, falling upon me, and I can't capture it, hold it, this, her life now, me in this moment. She is leaving me, she's growing up and moving away from me, and she stirs and I sweep back the crop of the golden ringlets. Stay, Little One, stay. Love's a deep wound and what is a mother without a child and why can't I hold on to now forever and her here and me here and why does time snatch away a heart I don't think mine can beat without? Why do we all have to grow old? Why do we have to keep saying good-bye?” ― Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

I think Laef scares Atlas about twice a day, with his loud screams, slamming doors, throwing toys, and fits of frustration. Atlas' bottom lip puckers out and he sobs. Sometimes I can't help but just laugh so hard. Other times, it's just straight out annoying.  I can say my children are happy children, and yes they truly are. But being two comes with quite the tornado of emotion. Laef kisses me, and throws shoes at me. Laef goes to his room screaming, and within minutes comes out with wet glassy eyes and then asks "Can I have a hug? I'm sorry..." *melt* He kisses me on the head and then screams in my ear as loud as he can. Two is a tornado. It is awesome and terrifying. It is crazy, and wonderful. It is fascinating and freaky. The things a two year old cries about can either make you feel like your heart has been ripped out from the sweetness or it can make you want to pull your hair out of your head from the cray-cray of it. Goodness. My energy level goes from 10 to about a 3 in an hour. Sometimes its easy. Sometimes, Laef plays with his cars in his room and he lets go of the worries of why the little play mobile people won't seem to stay seated upright in his large ambulance. I keep telling him they are tired from saving lives all night. Laef doesn't get it. 

Atlas, is just the easiest thing in the world. I almost forget he's around. He sleeps about 6-7 hours during the day. My schedule is amazing. Between the time that Laef has room time alone for over an hour and their nap time, I can sometimes squeeze in 4 or more hours of time by myself. You can ask me how... I feel pretty fabulous about this. They nap at the same time, go to bed at the same time, they play at the same time. Its either really quiet around here or really crazy.

Atlas turned 4 months last week. I love watching him get excited. My favorite thing about him right now is putting him to bed at night and singing sweetly to him. He smiles at me, and loves his clothes being changed. He's super ticklish and is just so easy with life.

My 200 bags of breast milk that I spent 3 months pumping are gone. They lasted a month. I am now making formula for Atlas at home, and its a healthy choice. He really loves it.
I spend twenty minutes making two days worth of formula. Twenty minutes is what I used to spend pumping one meal. I'm so happy with my choice to do this.

Brandon is such busy person, and I'm so proud of him. He is working hard toward some really big goals, and He stays at it, no matter how much I beg him to be a couch potato with me at the end of day. He loves our boys so much. I love waking up on a Saturday mornings (thats my sleep in day) and peaking into Laef's room. Brandon will have everyone of Laef's toys out and him and the boys are laughing and giggling while playing cars. Oh man... its so sweet. The sigh of satisfaction fills Saturday mornings.

Today is eight and a half years of being married to Brandon Fancher. He is wonderful.

So here is the face of an upset two year old. yep.

Laef is pretty obsessed with cars right now, it's the new thing that keeps him busy. It's pretty incredible when he comes up to me and says "Do you wanna play cars?" and his big brown eyes make you want to melt. He is so beautiful.

So I've had to take a lot of time off this year, but I'm gearing up for very busy weekends till December. Weddings, weddings, traveling, weddings, traveling, weddings... holidays. I'll be missing my boys a lot the next 8 weeks as I become super busy trying to get things done.

I like being busy, and I like the thrill that comes with travel. Yet, I've never had two boys to leave at home. And that makes me a little sad.

So how am I? I'm great, pretty much rested, slowly losing weight, working out, eating cleaner then I've ever done before. I walk a lot, run a lot, chase boys all day, and I have a feeling that It's all going to be even a little more crazy once Atlas starts crawling and walking.

My heart is happy, and I love that fall is here. I do dread winter (but not Christmas.) Winter is where I feel like we all live in our house for 4 months with nothing to do.

There is something that has been changing on the inside of me since I'm done with breast feeding and pregnancy. I feel ready to hit the ground running with my business and a lot of stuff I want to change about how I shoot, how I feel, and what I like. I feel like when your pregnant/having kids and taking care of them you tend to get into mom selfless mode and really have no opinion about who you are. But, my brain is coming back and I'm ready to not be told what I like, but to tell people what I like. And that's a big deal, It's a brave place to be and a brave move to make. Our culture tells us what we like, and then makes fun of us if its not what is "in" and that comparison just has to go. I'm almost in my final year of being in my 20's and I'm ready to leave the comparison and insecurity and venture into who I am as a person. I want to discover myself again.

That's all for now. Happy fall y'all. ;D