Thursday, October 2, 2014

Falling Forward.

“My baby is five. She falls asleep in my arms . . . . Her breath is warm on my face, all that is alive and warm and breathing inside of her now, falling upon me, and I can't capture it, hold it, this, her life now, me in this moment. She is leaving me, she's growing up and moving away from me, and she stirs and I sweep back the crop of the golden ringlets. Stay, Little One, stay. Love's a deep wound and what is a mother without a child and why can't I hold on to now forever and her here and me here and why does time snatch away a heart I don't think mine can beat without? Why do we all have to grow old? Why do we have to keep saying good-bye?” ― Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

I think Laef scares Atlas about twice a day, with his loud screams, slamming doors, throwing toys, and fits of frustration. Atlas' bottom lip puckers out and he sobs. Sometimes I can't help but just laugh so hard. Other times, it's just straight out annoying.  I can say my children are happy children, and yes they truly are. But being two comes with quite the tornado of emotion. Laef kisses me, and throws shoes at me. Laef goes to his room screaming, and within minutes comes out with wet glassy eyes and then asks "Can I have a hug? I'm sorry..." *melt* He kisses me on the head and then screams in my ear as loud as he can. Two is a tornado. It is awesome and terrifying. It is crazy, and wonderful. It is fascinating and freaky. The things a two year old cries about can either make you feel like your heart has been ripped out from the sweetness or it can make you want to pull your hair out of your head from the cray-cray of it. Goodness. My energy level goes from 10 to about a 3 in an hour. Sometimes its easy. Sometimes, Laef plays with his cars in his room and he lets go of the worries of why the little play mobile people won't seem to stay seated upright in his large ambulance. I keep telling him they are tired from saving lives all night. Laef doesn't get it. 

Atlas, is just the easiest thing in the world. I almost forget he's around. He sleeps about 6-7 hours during the day. My schedule is amazing. Between the time that Laef has room time alone for over an hour and their nap time, I can sometimes squeeze in 4 or more hours of time by myself. You can ask me how... I feel pretty fabulous about this. They nap at the same time, go to bed at the same time, they play at the same time. Its either really quiet around here or really crazy.

Atlas turned 4 months last week. I love watching him get excited. My favorite thing about him right now is putting him to bed at night and singing sweetly to him. He smiles at me, and loves his clothes being changed. He's super ticklish and is just so easy with life.

My 200 bags of breast milk that I spent 3 months pumping are gone. They lasted a month. I am now making formula for Atlas at home, and its a healthy choice. He really loves it.
I spend twenty minutes making two days worth of formula. Twenty minutes is what I used to spend pumping one meal. I'm so happy with my choice to do this.

Brandon is such busy person, and I'm so proud of him. He is working hard toward some really big goals, and He stays at it, no matter how much I beg him to be a couch potato with me at the end of day. He loves our boys so much. I love waking up on a Saturday mornings (thats my sleep in day) and peaking into Laef's room. Brandon will have everyone of Laef's toys out and him and the boys are laughing and giggling while playing cars. Oh man... its so sweet. The sigh of satisfaction fills Saturday mornings.

Today is eight and a half years of being married to Brandon Fancher. He is wonderful.

So here is the face of an upset two year old. yep.

Laef is pretty obsessed with cars right now, it's the new thing that keeps him busy. It's pretty incredible when he comes up to me and says "Do you wanna play cars?" and his big brown eyes make you want to melt. He is so beautiful.

So I've had to take a lot of time off this year, but I'm gearing up for very busy weekends till December. Weddings, weddings, traveling, weddings, traveling, weddings... holidays. I'll be missing my boys a lot the next 8 weeks as I become super busy trying to get things done.

I like being busy, and I like the thrill that comes with travel. Yet, I've never had two boys to leave at home. And that makes me a little sad.

So how am I? I'm great, pretty much rested, slowly losing weight, working out, eating cleaner then I've ever done before. I walk a lot, run a lot, chase boys all day, and I have a feeling that It's all going to be even a little more crazy once Atlas starts crawling and walking.

My heart is happy, and I love that fall is here. I do dread winter (but not Christmas.) Winter is where I feel like we all live in our house for 4 months with nothing to do.

There is something that has been changing on the inside of me since I'm done with breast feeding and pregnancy. I feel ready to hit the ground running with my business and a lot of stuff I want to change about how I shoot, how I feel, and what I like. I feel like when your pregnant/having kids and taking care of them you tend to get into mom selfless mode and really have no opinion about who you are. But, my brain is coming back and I'm ready to not be told what I like, but to tell people what I like. And that's a big deal, It's a brave place to be and a brave move to make. Our culture tells us what we like, and then makes fun of us if its not what is "in" and that comparison just has to go. I'm almost in my final year of being in my 20's and I'm ready to leave the comparison and insecurity and venture into who I am as a person. I want to discover myself again.

That's all for now. Happy fall y'all. ;D