"I'd like to stay with you a little longer..." - Jenn Johnson
A few weeks back I went to put my washed off pregnancy pee sticks in my large plastic "Memory Box" which is like a freakin' boat anchor and I realized I couldn't get anything else in there. "Gosh..looks like I can't have any more memories.... or I need to purge my memory." haha. So I spent a few hours and attempted to make a quick run through of all the childhood paper letters folded in fun shapes along with dozens and dozens of journals the last 12 years. I have every movie stub I've ever been too. (I know, I know... odd right?) I'm not a pack rat at all, I keep my "memories" in a box and leave it stuffed in the back of my closet. The problem is, if there were a fire, I couldn't get the box out the door because it's too heavy. haha.
Anywho... So I find tons of letters, papers, badges, notebooks, and messy handwritten chord charts from my days of playing a grand piano in Mott Auditorium for hours on end when I lived in Pasadena, CA during The Call School days. Every now and then I would lead worship, but for the most part I spent hours filling a ginormous room full of worship all alone. Those are some of my sweetest teen/early adult memories.
Inside the box was a handwritten chord chart to Jenn Johnson's "A Little Longer" song. It was to me the song that played on repeat as my friends/deans and I would lay face down and weep for hours on end. Every now and then I would get up and do a ballet dance to the song, but for the most part I cried and cried as I heard this song. Why? Because I had never heard of doing "nothing" before the Lord. My walk with Jesus up to my days in Pasadena were filled with everything I should be "doing" for Jesus. "Do it for Jesus..." "Jesus wants you to do this." "Jesus likes it when you do this or that." My life was all about my striving to please. "To please Jesus is the way to be loved by him."
So the first time I heard the Song of Solomon message--that Jesus loved me because he loved me, and that he didn't define me by my works or shortcomings but instead by the cry of my heart--I'll never forget the tears that poured from my eyes in classroom "U1." It messed up my soul (in a wonderful way.)
So when this song came out... it was like hearing truth.
So with all that background story.... I sat and played this song on my piano for the first time since "The Call School". So ten years.... yeah.... And this song was so perfect for how I've been feeling lately. I've been so so overwhelmed with all the massive change going on in our lives. They are beautiful changes, but so much of it is filling my soul with the unknown. When Jenn sings "Let the housework go... the kids can wait another minute..." See... I didn't know how that felt ten years ago. But today, I sat at my piano and cried like a baby as I felt what it feels like to be overwhelmed and to know that "nothing" is all Jesus wants from my heart. I don't have to pray prayers of "Help me." or.... even "Thank you." He just wants my silence, my small break of minutes. Even if my kid is screaming...turning my ear toward him. Leaning into love, just for a moment. I can find him, and it's sweet and it's perfect, and it's right.
So.... with all of that. The last almost seven weeks have been a whirlwind. Even though there was a vacation thrown in the middle of all of this, it still feels like its been a non-stop flow of emotion. Day after day, week after week... busy, busy, busy.... omg!
Laef is growing and just this week walking more than he is crawling. It's super sweet to hold his hand and watch him kick the leaves as we walk the sidewalks down our almost past memory neighborhood.
We're buying a house, and we close Friday. I can't believe it. 3-4 months ago before we knew we were pregnant I spotted this house and said "I want that one!" and didn't realize it was for sale. The week after we found out we were pregnant we started the pursuit of getting the house, and it's been a roller coaster of emotion. We would be close to getting it and then hurdle after hurdle would come up. I still feel like I can't be excited until I have the keys in my hand. So if all goes well up to Friday, we will move in this weekend.
And here are some photos of my cruise, in case you haven't seen it on fb already-
It was pretty amazing. We went with our some of our best friends/neighbors and some of their family members. The Bahamas always rocks our world.
Laef is good, growing more teethe.... we just went through a teething week last week, and between first trimester dry heaving and Laef yelling at me, I could have thrown him, but I didn't. ;) (Aren't I a good mom?) Poor boy, he didn't eat hardly anything for a week, so it was great when it finally passed, and He is back to eating everything and wanting to eat always.
My friend, Claire Ryser, took a few photos of Laef and me....
I'll keep you all posted more on life as the holidays roll around and we say goodbye to 704 Heritage Pkwy. (We are renting it out.)
I'm looking forward to feeling like the ground under my feet isn't shifting.
Also we got to see the newest addition to our family. Yes... here "he/she" is...
I'm 11 weeks pregnant and not horribly sick, but very sensitive. I'm glad I have like 2.5 weeks left till the 2nd trimester. I've had a few scares and I'm ready to have the first trimester over.
Till later on.... Thanks for reading.