Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Etching A Mark In My Memory.

"Taking time to write and journal is like etching a mark in your memory. It's like carving on the family tree, and it can be compared to solidifying the running water of time." - Me. Journal entry 1.14.14.

Sitting down to write almost feels like I'm standing in the middle of a waterfall, every drop of water that hits me is a story, a thought, a failure, a beautiful moment, a terrifying moment, a tear or ten, an accomplishment, a dream come true, a victory, a battle, a magical moment, an overwhelming encounter, a fear, a prayer, a day full of perfection, a day full of pure terror... etc. I have had so much that has happen the last three months that I don't have a clue where to start. I've missed posting Atlas' 5, 6 and now 7 month photos. Mostly because somehow I lost all of Atlas' 5 month photos except for maybe two and a few iPhone photos. And I haven't had a chance to even take any of Atlas at seven months. I guess it's true when you have the second child, you wish so badly that you could invest half the amount of energy you did into the first one. I now understand why they sell baby food at the store. With Laef I didn't have a clue why people wouldn't just make their own. I discovered the answer to that judgmental question. TIME. Goodness.

When winter hits I feel as if the earth may crumble. It feels like winter lasts forever.  I don't like being stuck in my house. I don't like strapping kids with giant coats on into tiny seat belts while the cold rain soaks my back.  I like blue skies, and golden sunlight. I like the green woods behind my house, and the way my porch ceiling fan knows exactly how to blow its breeze at me. I like 75 degrees. I like leaving my house without freezing my butt off or sweating my butt off while trying to get out of the door with ten layers on. ah!! 

Anyways, so where to begin. I don't know if I can really back track. I might just post an insane amount of photos and let you do the judging of it all. Or I may post a few blogs and let you decide which you feel like taking the time to read. 

These last three months I've experienced so many different emotions. My boys are growing beautifully, yet I've been so busy with them and photography that I've lost the joy at times of living in the moment. I've experienced dread on certain days, wishing for normal. Wishing to sleep past 6:30. Wishing to eat breakfast before 9:30 or 10.

Me and Brandon took a magical trip to AZ for a wedding beginning of November. We loved every second of our time there, away from our boys. We returned to more work, taking care of the boys, traveling to KC, Christmas shopping. I really don't know where November went. I can sorta comprehend a little bit of it, but it felt like a little breeze that blew across my cheek. 

I've struggled so much. I've had really rough days, and really incredible days. But more on the rough side. I've set my expectations to high in getting things done, and therefore found myself overwhelmed and edgy toward my kids. sigh. I've hit probably the lowest point of being a mom in my 2.5 years of parenting. There were days where the magic of being a mom was nowhere to be found, and I was simply there, living, breathing, and holding on for dear life. I've been trying to lean into the Lords love and find his grace. 

Last night I asked the Lord before bed if I should pick up any of my books and read them. (I don't read much, and I don't really enjoy it.) I wanted the Lord to encourage me before bed. I picked up my journal. My journal of seven years. Its just a simple notebook, with the most horrific scribble scrabble writing that would make most humans have a seizure if they tried to decode it. It is not beautiful to look at, it's not an art piece of hand crafted beauty, but it is the most beautiful thing I own besides my family. It's this glorious journey of my heart. It holds the answers and questions of all the seasons that I've walked through the last seven years. I started it's pages in a coffee shop in Kansas City seven years ago. I was 21, and full of myself quite honestly. Cared so much what the world thought of me, and could only dream of being noticed in the worship leading world. *rolls eyes.* 
When I read through my journals I find the Lords faithfulness written on every page. He is faithful to me in the middle of all my fears, all my victories, and all my struggles. And most certainly through all my bad mom days. He has gracefully led me through valleys, and deserts. I look back and I laugh and cry at the silly things I was afraid of. How small and hilarious they are now that I look back, yet they were so valuable to the Lord, and he had and has hand crafted every small season. Even the seasons where my own heart condemns me. He is and was so much greater then my heart and whacked out post baby hormones.  It is so beautiful to be able to read your heart and to understand that person writing. I know that girl, because I think like that girl, I am her. And her story is not glamorous by any means, but it's sealed with a seal of love. My prayer through almost every entry. "Tell me, you whom my soul loves, where and how will you feed me in this season of my life. Kids or no kids, job or no job, winter or spring, plenty or little, favorite food or not my favorite food, rough relationships or amazing relationships, lonely or loved. How are you, Father, going to find me, and tend to my human weak heart. You are a safe place for my soul to rest in." This coats almost every page of my journal. It's all I have left to pray at the end of the day.

So here is baby Atlas 5+ months and Laef at age 2. These are mostly a few iphone photos. I'm going to post another blog with Christmas photos soon. ;)

Happy New Year!

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