Wednesday, February 12, 2014

White Days

"This year is a sealed envelope; with apprehensive hope, we brace for anything. I swear, I understand that nothing changes that, the past will be the past, but the future is brighter than any flashback." - Sleeping at Last - January White

Well...this is my first post of the year, and I feel like I need to blog even just a few photos from December to call this complete in my mind. January was sort of a dull month for me, I lingered in the dark winter lonely days. I sat on my couch and wished for creativity, wished for sun, wished for spring, wished that life would go just a tad bit faster so that I could move on with where I am. (Pregnant, winter, and feeling a bit pointless.)I felt like I was existing only for my babies and husband. January into February also came with two weeks of sick days. I laid on my couch, in my bed, on the floor...wherever there was a flat surface and felt so horrible. My Grandma always says "Being sick isn't so bad you want to die, but not so good you want to live." Isn't that true? I had a rough chest cold for a week where I lost my voice and then Laef received a 48 hour tummy bug which he delightfully passed over to me for 24 hours. The respect for mom's sky rocketed as I washed the puke off my sons sheets, face, and clothes. Here I was sick and pregnant and being a mom to this sweet boy. Oh man.... talk about reality check.

Sweeter days have fallen on my soul in the last week. Yesterday through tomorrow we are getting tons of snow and ice and it makes the soul feel a little magic when you only get it once or twice a year. I sat sipping my cup of coffee for hours and journaling as I watched the snow sweetly blanketing my yard. Laef played, and I almost cried at the magic I felt this morning. Finally healthy, happy, sweet days... winter really does do me in.

Laef turns 19 months tomorrow... so over a year and a half now. In five months he will be two. omg. He has the sweetest face in my opinion and a sensitive little heart.

Laef talks about Da-Da all the day long... It's his every second conversation with me.

So I'm 25.5 weeks pregnant now. You can't really tell here... so that's good. I don't like being pregnant, I don't like how I look, or feel...I just want to get it over and feel normal again. The process is so not fun to me. I don't really like belly compliments or pats on my tummy and I don't really enjoy the attention. It's just another season in my life and I'm blessed that I can have babies and that I can grow them, but It doesn't make me feel beautiful by any means. I sorta want to hide in a closet till 9 months is up....but what do you do? I think winter makes it feel harder too.

Every year I watch this amazing video that always opens up my soul. It's my favorite winter video. Fast forward to 1.36 or so.

So flipping the pages and going back to December...Christmas time... ah yes! We went to Ohio to visit my sweet Grandma. I wanted to post my snow photos of Brandon and Laef.

 Laef got a teepee for Christmas... he thinks it's pretty great.

So really there isn't a lot for me to say. Business is honestly slow right now, life is going super slow and crazy fast all at the same time. My belly tells me so. Laef is the highlight of my soul right now.

Brandon works a lot from home, so I'm very blessed to spend breakfast, lunch and dinner with him about 3-4 days a week. Things will start picking up very soon. Brandon and I hit our eight year anniversary in April. It's pretty insane how fast eight years flew by. 

There are moments that happen in my life that all I can say is "I'm so happy I have this boy..." Laef loves his rain boots and wants to wear them with anything and everything. Last night he walked around the house in his striped orange footed PJ's with his boots on. I just love him. Those moments of oddness are some of my favorites. He also fills his boots up with treasures and walks around the house. He can say "shoe" but it's more like "shhhhhhhhh"

So a random story to tell...

In December I was having an awful day. I was overwhelmed with the thought of having two kids and what the future would look for me that at one point I doubled over my counter and sobbed in disbelief at how fast my life was changing and the dread and pressure of being a mom to two boys. (Sorry...if this makes you feel bad for me.. I'm only sharing the reality of what I felt) I was hormonal, I'm sure and still battling the great morning/afternoon sickness along with a teething 16 month old boy. I laid on the couch and Sleeping at Last began to play. I had never heard the song before... the lyrics/song goes like this. 


"So let’s press undo. rearrange the old and call it new- January white.

 Every calendar is playing the same old trick: a year will disappear, replaced with counterfeit but we’ll never really mind. 

‘Cause if nothing else, we’re given a little time to change the game, a chance to redefine everything we are, in our January white. 

This year is a sealed envelope, a culmination of hopes, the lottery result that we’ve been crossing fingers for. 

We could paint our walls a lighter shade of blue, or we could pack our bags and change the entire view to January white. 

If nothing else, we’re given a little time to change the heart in which we change our minds; our hourglasses turn. 

This year is a sealed envelope; with apprehensive hope we brace for anything. I swear, I understand that nothing changes that, the past will be the past, but the future is brighter than any flashback. 

Well, we could let our guards down a little easier this time, we could trust that when there’s joy, there’s nothing dark behind. in spite of history, hope is January white. 

This year, we’re starting over again letter openers in hand, a chance to take a chance. I swear, I understand that the past will be the past, and nothing changes that, but the future is brighter than any flashback."

I needed to hear this song so bad. I needed to know that the future is bright. It's full of hope... The Lord has been so faithful to my heart for so many years. Only beauty can come out of his dreams for me. It is who he is. So why did I share this? I'm not sure...  I guess I could call it "February White" since I'm so late in sharing this. 
Cheers toward a bright 2014. ;D Thanks for reading...

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