Sweet Chaos.

"Motherhood is the sacred marriage of the mundane and the eternal." - Lisa-Jo Baker

So officially I can say that I have survived and enjoyed one full month of life with two boys. I ventured out of the house very quickly with the two boys, figuring if I didn't start sooner then later I may just get more overwhelmed as they get older. Our first target experience together made me feel like I conquered the whole world. It's funny what you think is easy and what you consider hard. If you are a mom of two kids, I'm sure you remember the day you took both of them out for the first time. It's almost like we deserve a sticker or a badge for that first day of bravery. The tactic plan that you come up with in your mind before exiting your car to get both kids in the cart or in a carrier and a cart.

I grabbed a starbucks latte', hooked Atlas in my ergo, and put Laef in the cart. All was great. Atlas slept, Laef wanted to grab everything (his normal almost 2 year old self) and I was out to get diapers and take a stroll around the red store. Dreaming of all the things I so desperately didn't need to make my house even more home. And I did... until I got to the crayon aisle where I was buying construction paper to start a craft project for Laef's 2nd birthday. All of sudden Atlas began to cry from hunger and Laef thought that since Atlas was crying he should too. So they did, and I immediately became "that mom" that has two screaming kids on aisle 7 and I'm trying to keep peace on my face. I figured if I started laughing about it that the stress of the moment would roll of my chest and it did. I handed Laef my empty iced latte so he could suck up the melted ice cubes and I put a bottle in Atlas' mouth and held the bottle in place with my chin. I then pushed the cart to the check out counter and said.. "Well that was fun while it lasted." 

When we got to the car and I got "the boys" (so strange saying that) strapped in I sighed with satisfaction. Call it a small thing, or call me brave. But taking a newborn and an almost two year old to the store is big. Everyone is still alive and I have had more outings without Brandon under my belt since then, including a trip the splash park and the playground, and a few outings to the grocery store. 

So Atlas turned one month on Monday, this time seems to be going faster since I had Atlas. Laef keeps me on my toes constantly and being consistent to teach and train him in right and wrong is extremely hard work. Thankfully using love and logic has made it so much easier, and I rarely find myself extremely frustrated with him, and if I do its because of the lack of sleep.

Atlas is just super super sweet, and extremely strong. He has a tenacity about him even at this age. He's already turned himself over from his stomach to his back numerous times and fights like mad till he does. He sleeps pretty well... 3-4 hour stretched during most nights. Brandon and I both get up once with him.

Laef really does love him, and doesn't ever try to hurt him on purpose. He comes over to his bouncy 5-6 times a day and kisses him on the face. I hold my breath hoping that Laef doesn't just fall on top of him. Whenever Atlas does tummy time, Laef loves to come lay beside him and stare at him. He puts his arm around him and kisses him.

It takes me back to the dream I had before I found out I was pregnant. A friend of mine in the dream told me I was having a boy, and that this boy was for Laef. Laef needed a friend. And so I'm loving the sweet response that Laef gives Atlas.

Atlas is already pulling his head up while he's on his belly and looking around. <3

So, Laef is my brown eyed wonder and in the beginning of having Atlas, Laef had a look of spite and jealousy on his face for a few weeks. He wasn't directing it at Atlas, but at me and Brandon.

At one point he slapped me so hard in the face and I took him to his room and sat down with him and we talked about the baby. He told me all about his frustration (of course I didn't understand what he was saying, but I heard "baby" in there a few times) I sat and held him and cried. I had never seen my little man who has been my whole world have such a deep struggle. It pained my heart that me bringing Atlas home was hurtful to him. And yet at the same time, sometimes life is full of disappointment, but in this case, Laef will love Atlas so much in days to come. It is all going to be okay. I still hate seeing Laef struggle.

A few times I had caught Laef sitting in Atlas' bouncy and trying to hit the little birds that hang down. I try to approach this not with "No! Get out of there." but I gently go pick Laef up and hold him, I tell him your always going to be my baby Laef, but you are to big for that bouncy. I love you just the way you are and you are an amazing big boy! The other day this happen, and he laid his head on my shoulder and hung his arms around my neck while I danced with him around the living room, shedding a small tear.

The war in my heart between loving these boys is so tough. I recently sat on my couch holding Atlas while sobbing and telling him how I hope I'm loving and bonding with him the way I have bonded with Laef. I keep trying to put Laef's feelings above my own because I know he will remember.

Breastfeeding Atlas hasn't gone as planned and from day one Brandon and I made the call that I wouldn't going to go through the torture I put myself through last time. I wanted to enjoy this season with Atlas and not wish it was over. So pumping bottles and storing a freezer of milk has been what I've had to do to make this all work. I was able to find out what was wrong the last time and this time, and hopefully I'm getting better. Maybe the 3rd child will work like a charm.

He is a little Brandon, every day, becoming more and more like his daddy. His 2nd birthday is in two and a half weeks and I'm planning a small party for him. I may cry a little too.

So in the last blog, I shared my story of Atlas' birth, but in case you haven't seen all of these... these are a few favorite photos from the last month.

My best friend came to the hospital from Jacksonville to meet Atlas. <3

Atlas and Laef- 

First bath

Have I mentioned that Atlas looks like me as a baby?

Atlas is on the Left, I'm on the right.

My Grandpa came and met Atlas.. 

These are Atlas and Laef's friends. 

So besides a messy house some days and a pile of onesies that have been blown up by Atlas, crumbs on my floor, and a sink full of empty milk bottles.  I would say that we are doing well. I'm cleared next week to start working out and start shedding all my baby love. haha. My heart and emotions seem full and positive. I feel grace on me in this season. 

I'm working to get Atlas on the "Eat, Wake, Sleep" cycle like I did Laef. It is my sanity to know what will happen next. 

I start shooting soon and I'm booking up for the fall and winter months. Brandon and I might be going back to Arizona for a few days... we'll see if it all works out.  I could use a a get-a-way <3

Oh and I leave all you moms with this... 

<3