our paper boats: You're like a big parade through town...

"You're like a party somebody threw me
You taste like birthday
You look like New Years
You're like a big parade through town
You leave such a mess but you're so fun"

- Regina Spector "The Party"

When I was pregnant, I had a lot of time to sit and do nothing. I had it in my mind that the nine months of waiting would be the last time I could do "nothing" for quite some time. I often sat at my piano and sang. Anything from "Fix You" by Coldplay to Feist's "The Park." But my favorite was to sit and play Sara Groves' "He's always been Faithful," along with one of my favorite hymns, "Great is Thy Faithfulness." So many lines in those two songs ring true to my heart. I sing them daily and I think of them often.

The last few weeks, I've had up and down emotions towards everything going on. It wasn't postpartum depression or baby blues (at all!) It was the pattern of every day, which was... well,there was no pattern. Yes, having family around is great. Sweet moments, tearful seconds of thankfulness, and I got to sleep more. But I also need structure, as does Laef. He was sorta in a groove of sleeping whenever, awake whenever, and eating from a bottle I pumped.

Now I'm not going to go into my beautiful battle with breastfeeding. When I wasn't pregnant I didn't really care much to hear about everyone's breastfeeding drama, so I won't bore you with mine. But in the end it sucked (literally.) Haha! Laef would scream and wouldn't calm down. Every two hours I went through an hour or more of frustration, dread, and tears. I love my boy, but we both didn't like each other in those moments. At one point last week, I put Laef down in his crib as he screamed his head off. I seriously was tired of it. Pumping bottles for this boy sounded like a dream and seemed super easy. I ran down stairs and fell into Brandon's arms and cried. I was out of answers of what to do. Everyone and their mother told me what I needed, and the truth was: I was out of grace for this thing.

Talking to my mom on the phone, I cried, saying "I'm going to give it until the end of week six, and if he doesn't get better, I just can't do this." She prayed for me and encouraged me.

One of the lines in "Great is Thy Faithfulness" goes "All I have need of, His hand will provide..."

I always have thought about this as referring to more material things (money, food, house...etc.) So I told the Lord, "I need this to work. It doesn't have to be amazing, or perfect, but I need grace to keep going and I need Laef to like me when I feed him." In the end I needed "grace."

This week it was just me and him. I started him on a schedule--trying to get him up between 7:00 and 7:30, making him eat and stay awake, and putting him down for a nap every three hours. Let me just say that it's been like a dream this week! He's caught on so well! He's so sweet when he's awake and when he eats.

I've had such a great week with him. I've been able to shower, clean my house, work out, cook my husband dinner, and currently...blog. It is important to me to not just be a mom, but to be a wife. I want to clean my house for my husband and cook him dinner. It makes me happy. He's tired when he comes home from work too. Yes, he's super understanding, but I need it even for my own heart.

So yes... all I have need of.... his hand will provide.... He's always been faithful.

Laef is eating well and happy now. Thank God!

In other news, Laef hit 6 weeks today. *sigh* What a beautiful time it's been sharing it with Brandon, friends and family. He's smiling so much and laughing in his sleep.

In spite of my want and desire for schedule and structure, I want to be careful to not let this sweet cuddle time pass by. I nap with him here and there on my couch. Laying him on my chest and hearing his little noises is magical in its own way. Makes all the world seem so complicated in light of the simplicity of the sweetness those moments carry. I still cry. (I may just say that in every blog.)