Friday, September 28, 2012

Oh Darling...

"Your little hands wrapped around my finger And it's so quiet in the world tonight. Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming, So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light.
To you, everything's funny, You got nothing to regret I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that. Oh Darling, don't you ever grow up..." - Taylor Swift

Eleven weeks have gone by today. I'm pretty sure its been some of the sweetest moments ever created. I think all of heaven stops and watches me interact with my boy. His smile, his dimples, his flirty little face. Gosh!

I've been in a race trying to get some editing done, trying to work on booking clients for the holidays, trying to keep the house clean and roast a chicken for my husband. But there are those times when I just have to stop everything to focus in on the moment and memorize the smells, the feeling, the looks that Laef gives me...and to fully experience the way my heart spills out more love than it can hold. It's Niagara Falls so often--wet, rich tears pouring down my face, smearing my makeup, soaking my shirt. He's so full of sweet perfection that I just can't resist.

Time is seriously flying by. Laef is growing and transforming so quickly. I have to push the pause button on life to take in this beauty quickly changing. And if it takes hours, then let it take hours. I'm seriously in awe. Absolutely floored at how faithful the Lord is to my heart to make this time so perfect, so absolute.

My business, my house, my dishes piled to the ceiling (from last night's soup party! ;) ...all of it can wait. Push pause. Stop everything. Grab your camera and fill your soul with this untainted memory. It's like the sweetest candy.

I finally dropped breastfeeding. For the record, I tried for two months to make it all work. Through tears daily, eight to twelve hours spent sitting and dealing with a screaming child. I decided to switch to pumping bottles. Life has been sweet as pie since then. And guess what? There are eight to twelve extra hours left in my day. ;D We are all super happy about that.  

Last year, my grandmother (who is in her eighties) fell pretty hard and ended up in a long (almost year-long) cycle of hospitals, drugs, nursing homes, bad drugs, loss of memory...etc. It was a rough time for my grandfather. They have been married for fifty-eight years, and they are madly in love with one another. But last weekend, my grandparents came all the way from Georgia to come see and meet Laef. It was such an incredible moment watching my grandmother swooning over holding Laef. Oh gosh! I've actually dreamed of that moment and hoped that some day they would be able to hold my sweet baby.
She couldn't get over the fact that my sweet lad has her nose. It made her so happy.

While they were here, we stopped in at my brother's house for them to see the other great grandson born this year.

(Below is my nephew, Forest Káel, too cool for anyone.)

Thanks to my friend, Lauren, who bought us this bouncy chair, I'm able to get things done often. Laef is super content to sit in his bouncy for extended periods of time...sometimes two to three hours! He is such an amazing baby--happy and satisfied. 

A few weeks back, our dear friends' son turned one. We went out to their farm to celebrate. I took some photos for them for fun...

After everyone left, I sat on the hammock with Laef and took in the silence of the land. Below: Laef's sweet toes and the green pasture. mmm.....

I love having coffee dates with my girlfriends every week. <3


Look how handsome he is.... (below)... 

On the mornings that Brandon doesn't work from home, I wake Laef up around 7:00 AM, feed him, sip some pumpkin spice creamer coffee (yes, it's bad for me), let the golden light bounce off the walls, burn my wooden wick bonfire night candle and play some tunes. I dance with my boy in my arms. 

I can't help but sob at the thought of dancing with him at his wedding some day. I think because I attend weddings so often, it's easy for me to look forward to. I'm sure a lot of moms have had their moment when Taylor Swift's "Never Grow Up" comes on, and they start shedding uncontrollable tears. I remember when my sister-in-law heard that song the first time when her first son had been born. I cried back then. Yesterday morning, I gave my little lova a bath and after I dressed him, that song came on. I danced with him in the bathroom, crying, taking in his smell, and his sweet sounds. Every time my husband came up the steps I would hide my face. I'm sure he thinks I'm a soppy wet mess all the time when I talk about Laef. Geeeesh... maybe I am.  Nonetheless, I'm okay with that.

Fall is always the time where I feel like I think a bit deeper. Something about the chilled air, the leaves piling up in my neighborhood, and the bright color that paints the scenery. Maybe it's also that there are three months left in the year, time is going faster, I'm getting older, I'm learning more, I'm becoming more secure. I'm healing from years that I've let hurt be a close friend to me. I'm finding the Lord again. I'm finding out that it doesn't always depend on me. I step into church and I cry a lot.  I have found forgiveness. I have found wholeness. I have found his faithfulness in almost everything I put my hands to. Every day I have a sense of wonder and hope.

Last year I had days where I would lean over my kitchen counter and wail at the hopelessness and the hurt that poured its passion into my days. When I got pregnant last year, I thought, "Next year is going to be the hardest and best year I've had so far." I must say it has not been that hard. I tried not to hang a lot of expectations over what this experience would do to me. And that has saved my life!


There are afternoons when I spend an hour or so outside sitting at the picnic table or swing in my neighborhood letting my boy see the sky, the trees, hear the birds, hear my cat talking constantly, feel the breeze... and while he does that I take him in. The way the light hits his long eyelashes and creates rainbow light, his soft face, his nose that looks like mine, the way his hair is glowing in the sun, his neck hair line, his long toes and the wrinkles in his hands. I study him. I memorize him. And then again I give him back to the Lord.

Thanks for reading!

Next blog I'll write about our trip to the Hamptons. ;D



1 comment:

  1. Bekka,
    As I read your blog, it transports me back to the days when my own boys were babies. The sweet smells and the sheepish grins. And oh, the magic of a baby. Now I look at today and see that my first born son will become a father in about 13 weeks. My heart is heavy and elated at the same time I wish those young days were still here and so very excited about becoming a "bee"ma and Eddie a "bee"pa. About the sweet smells and wonderful smiles all over again. And you will cry when he gets married, I know, cuz I cried alot and some days still cry. I guess God made us crybabies when He created us and gave us our children. Enjoy the day with Laef as tomorrow he will be all grown up and you will wonder where the time has gone. (If I had known the days past so quickly I might have had more babies. Oh, Wait!!! they would have all been boys! What am I thinking!!!) Keep up the good work and enjoy him. We love and are praying for you all.

    Love, Melissa & Eddie